Interview: An Intercontinental Muslim

 Popular blogger Brother Naeem could be called  an ”intercontinental” man- he’s an American Muslim, originally from Pakistan and currently living in Saudi Arabia. Known for his intellectual discussions and refreshing humourous nature, Unique Muslimah reveals more about “brnaeem” as she talks to the man behind the blog.

Which characteristics do you wish to portray to people when they first visit your blog?

My lack of certainty.  I absolutely abhor absolutes.  I can’t stand my fellow brethren who proclaim their views with arrogance and pomp, holding all differing views with disdain and contempt.  I rarely, if ever, have posted with any authoritarian tone and I can’t stand those who do.

Additionally, when visitors come to the blog, I try to present a multi-pronged look at the world around us – incorporating the spiritual, political, and social – from the blurry vantage point of a Muslim male with one foot firmly planted in the East and the other in the West.  And it’s that delicate balance that I try to present in my writings.

Why did you start blogging?

I’ve always loved to discuss and debate with others. I’m addicted to any forum that would lend itself to a constructive exchange of ideas (dinner settings, coffee shops, listservs, blogs, etc). It allows me to bounce my ideas off others and fine-tune them.  And when there is respectful disagreement, everyone is bound to benefit.  Listen to me in my attempts to convince you and I promise to sincerely listen to your arguments.

How else will we ever grow and mature in our thoughts if we aren’t intellectually challenged?

On your blog you say you converted to Islam, though you were a born Muslim. What were the events that led you to become a born-again Muslim?

There weren’t any catastrophic events that shocked me into conversion (Cat Stevens-style).  It was a beautiful journey in which Allah (swt) took me by the hands and gently led me to my Eureka-moment. 

It was my father sacrificing the big mansion (as many of his doctor peers opted for) for a smaller home right next to our community Masjid. It was the years of growing up in the confines of the Masjid premises.  The community had built two houses 50 feet from the Masjid, one for the Imam and the other we rented.  So not only were we next to the Masjid, we were neighbours with the Imam and his family.

It was the amazing group of post-graduate brothers at my university’s MSA, who played such a positive role in my development.

And most importantly, it was the freedom that my parents gave me and the trust they showed in me when the sent me away to college.  In that environment, hundreds of miles away from my parents, without anyone looking over my shoulder, with anonymity seductively calling me to the haram, I was forced to make the decision of dunya vs. deen every single day.  After doing that for two years, I realized that I had chosen Islam as my life.

I was sitting in the company of two brothers who had recently converted and it was then that I realized that just as they had turned their back on the ways of ignorance, I too had turned my back on the alluring calls of this world. And it was then that I really made my Shahada.

I find a sense of comfort (not contentment, for one can never let their guards down) knowing that I consciously chose this way of life.

Would you advise other young Muslims to “convert” intentionally?

I sincerely believe that every Muslim ought to make a conscious decision to choose to be a Muslim.  It can’t be from the parents or from the culture or from rebelling against the system or whatever artificial reason one remains a Muslim.  It really has to come down to one’s own search for identity and search for the truth.

If you haven’t challenged your faith and put it to the test, what kind of faith is that?

What do you think is the most important thing to look for when searching for a spouse?

Whoah, hang on there!  Whoever told you I’m looking for a spouse was totally lying! Oh, wait, you were asking a general question…in that case, please strike that last remark.

With regards to marriage and love, I’m totally old school.  I believe that love is achieved through staying married, not getting married.  So when searching for a spouse, forget about their long term plans (they change), forget about money and career (that also changes), and forget about looks (those *definitely* change).  Stick to the core foundation and that is love for Allah (swt).  It’s true that faith also fluctuates, but it’s a foundation I’m willing to build on, as opposed to the other superficial alternatives out there.

How did you feel the night before your wedding? What would you suggest for young Muslims getting married soon?

What is this? The View?  Seriously, I don’t remember the details.  The entire wedding has become one whirlwind of a memory.  Reason #4,930 for not wasting money on an extravagant wedding ceremony.

What would I suggest to Muslims looking to get married?  Well first of all, try to refrain from depicting your future spouse as some freaky midget that you can dress up and show off to your friends on your personal blog.  Sound familiar, Unique? 

Marriage is hard.  Marriage is VERY hard.  It requires so much sacrifice and effort and patience.  You know how anyone going for Hajj is constantly reminded to remain patient in the face of any adversity lest their Hajj be lost?  Well, marriage is a life-long Hajj. 

I fear that most young couples don’t realize the challenges of marriage.  They fail to read the fine print, buying the product based on the flashy commercials.  Marriage is like those drug commercials, where a rosy picture is painted and then this voice-over quickly mentions the side-affects such as severe migraines, diarrhoea, high blood pressure, paralysis, heart attack, and possibly death.

I still haven’t figured out why every community doesn’t have a marriage camp for young couples preparing for marriage.

Would you call yourself romantic? What gestures of love do you show your wife (flowers, presents, etc,)?

I follow the Homer Simpson school of thought in this matter.  So basically, I’m still learning.  Always open to advice.

What has marriage added to you? How were you before marriage? How are you now after marriage?

Sheesh…this is like a 60 minutes interview.  Talk about a heavy question.  I can’t imagine how lowly my relationship with my Creator would have been if not for my marriage.  Exposure to the female mind enabled me to become so much more introspective, which nourished my spiritual development.

Also, I’m very happy that I got married at a relatively young age (20yrs) – I feel it really accelerated my maturity curve.  That’s one reason why I would highly recommend everyone to get married as early as possible.

Screw the career and the house and the car.  Just get married people!  Live in your in-laws basement (like I did) and drive your dad’s car (like I did) and worry about the job afterwards (like I did) – now that I’m looking back, what in the world were my wife’s parents thinking?! I must have been really good-looking.

Be sincere to yourself, your spouse, and your Lord.  Everything else is the details.

How would you describe yourself as a husband? Should we be giving you the husband-of-the-year award?

If you ask me, I definitely deserve that award – EVERY single year.  On the other hand, if you ask my wife (and thankfully you didn’t), that’s a whole ‘nother story.

As a husband, I’m still learning.  I have a long way to go before I deserve to even get nominated for that award.

10. Would you have a second/third/fourth wife? Can you explain the reason for your answer?

When asked the same question, a wise man once told me, ‘They are very hard!’  I concur.

Do you believe the hijab and niqab is obligatory in Islam? How do you view other Muslim women who are not practicing these two?

Masha’Allah, you really addressed a few thorny issues with this one question.  My views on this issue and how they’ve changed reflect that maturation process that I referred to earlier.

Initially, I was of the more black and white view – hijab is an obligation on all women and I was very judgmental of those who failed to comply.  It really bothered me when I saw sisters not covering, to the extent that I even questioned their faith.

But it was through education, experience, a better understanding of the dynamics behind the hijab and a more realistic prioritization of where a woman’s dress falls in the hierarchy of life that guided me to my current stance of ‘live and let live’.

The funny thing about the hijab issue is that many of its proponents claim that it forces one to judge a woman for who she is instead of how she looks, while they are the same ones who use the hijab (or lack of) to judge the piety of the woman.  I find that to be very ironic. And even more ironic is that many of these duplicitous hijab advocates are women themselves.

I’ve learned to stop judging women based on the hijab issue.  When interacting with any sister, I try to have hasnu-dhunn (positive opinion), regardless of hijab or not.

That’s not to detract from my personal opinion on the matter that it’s obligatory.

What are your views on the beard?

I like beards.  In fact, I sport a beard. However, I realize that beards aren’t for everyone.  For example, I definitely wouldn’t like my wife to have one.  Thankfully my wife isn’t Desi, so she doesn’t have that problem.

There seems to be more Muslim female bloggers than male bloggers. How do you feel about that?

Yeah, it does seem that way doesn’t it.  I remember reading in that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus that women are all about expressing themselves and listening to others express themselves, while men are about internalizing their feelings and all that other Dr. Phil spiel.  Is that phenomenon simply extending on to the blogosphere?  Maybe.

How did you first feel when your first child was placed into your hands? How did you feel towards your wife?

I feel like I’m on Oprah. This is exactly what I was referring to in that last response –Guys just don’t talk about these things. 

I love my children and I love my wife, but honestly, I don’t give much thought to that specific moment.  I know, I know, I’m some horrible genetically mutated freak, but I see myself as a long-term visionary, not a live-for-the-moment sorta guy.  At least that’s what I tell my wife.

How are you as a parent? Do you leave most of the parental decisions to your wife or are you an involved parent?

I’m definitely a hands-on parent.  While I leave the motherly tasks (such as clothing, feeding, and the like) to my wife, when it comes to raising them, we’re both actively involved.

All thanks and praises due to Allah, I have a job that allows me to be home by 4pm everyday in addition to a full weekend.  This allows me to spend quite a bit of time with my kids.  And with a 9yr old girl and 7yr old boy (plus the newborn), they need all the time we can give them.

The Prophet Muhammad was an active in his home, doing his share of the housework. Do you clean up, vacuum clean, dust, clean the dishes, do the laundry, etc, or leave your wife to do it because you believe “it’s her job”?

Next question, please.

I think most every American-raised Muslim husband is aware of this beautiful sunnah (either from a masjid lecture or their wives constantly reminding them).  And most try and adhere to it in one way or another.  But let’s be honest, very few women are satisfied with the effort put forth by their husbands.

I honestly think I’ve done a fair share around the house, but if you ever asked my wife, she’d probably pull a muscle laughing so hard.

No, I don’t believe it’s her job, but seeing that she’s a stay-at-home mother/wife – we have an (ahem) understanding.  I help out however I can.

However, our current situation is a bit different.  We have a full-time maid so that allows both of us to focus more on the kids than on domestic chores.

What is it like in the Naeem household- do you make all the decisions- do you have an equal-decision relationship with your wife- or does your wife make the decisions? Was this transition smooth in the early days of your marriage?

Not only is my wife Arab, she’s Palestinian, so who do YOU think makes the decisions?  But then again, I am Pakistani, so who does SHE think she is?!

First of all, I can’t remember that far back to my early days (14 years is a looong time, especially in the marital dimension) so I can’t tell you about the transition process.  Second, the decision making process hasn’t always been smooth, as any married person can attest to.  I prefer to always look at the pros and cons of every possibility, then I watch my wife throw all my analysis out the window, and we end up doing what makes sense.

How do you think your wife views you? How do you view your wife? What kind of relationship/marriage would you describe yours?

Man…(deep breath)…that’s a tough one.  Can you ensure that my wife won’t ever read this?

I tell you, I could write a book on my marriage experience.  It would be sad, ugly, and depressing as well as beautiful, heavenly, and divine, with every thing in between.  But that’s true for every marriage, no?

How does she view me?  Ask her.

As to how I view her, the most concise way to sum it up is that she is my only way to my Lord.  I have come to better realize my Creator’s Love for me through my wife.  No one else could treat my weak, sickly nafs better than my wife. You know how you have to life heavy weights to gain muscle?  She’s the same for my spirit.  She’s my strength training coach.  She pushes me in ways even she doesn’t realize.

During the ugliest moments of our relationship, I step back and see how Allah (swt) is humbling me and rubbing my arrogant face in the dirt of this world.  And He does so by way of my very own wife.

And during the most beautiful moments, He is giving me a taste of the sweetness of Divine Pleasure.

What more could I ask for from my life-partner?

What do you wish to achieve through your blog?

I really try to present an alternative view of the mainstream, status-quo outlook that is so prevalent.  I’m trying to show that the standard American way of life that is being peddled throughout the world is not always the best way to do things.  I really think second-generation children of immigrants have a key advantage in that they are intimately aware of the American lifestyle (and its inherent weaknesses) while remaining cognizant of the ‘back-home’ perspective (and its traditional strengths).  This enables us to challenge the homogeny of the liberal, humanist worldview that is so dominant.

For example, I’ve posted about young marriages and how Muslims need to reject the western mythical creature known as the ‘teenager’.  I’ve also posted more than once on the sham called democracy.

I would also like to see Muslims shed their inferiority complex and proudly stake their claim to Islamic principles, regardless of how politically incorrect they may be.

What kind of da’awah activities do you take part in “online” and “offline”? Would you say you are an active Muslim?

Back when I was in the US, I was very active in the local community.  However, the dynamics in the Muslim world are totally different and so I find myself less involved in dawah activities.  I’ve taken advantage of my current situation by turning my energy inwards.  I’m more focusing on personal development – for myself and my family.

Nonetheless, I still long for those days of Masjid activism, but I’ve resigned myself to my current lot, Alhamdul-Illah.

You’re in your mid-thirties. If time-travel were possible and your older self could travel back to advise your younger, 20-year-old-self, what would you like to tell, advise, warn him?

Hey, where are the softballs you lofted to Achelois, like 5 things to take on a deserted island?!  I sense some gender discrimination here!

I’d advise him mostly on the marriage front. I’d explain to him the intricacies of dealing with the wife, such as shut-up and listen to her when she’s upset.  Don’t try to analyze her problems with your logic, she’s not an engineering problem that needs to get solved, she’s a woman who needs to be comforted.  Just listen to her, ESPECIALLY when she’s venting against you.  Bite your tongue, beat down your nafs, and open up your heart.

Sadly, those are lessons learned only AFTER years of experience.

With regards to my religious development, I would insist that he focus more on internal development and give less weight to the outer forms of worship.  By this I’m not implying that going to the masjid or attending weekly halaqa are not important.  But the objective is not to simply go through the motions or to feed the brain.  Rather, the goal must be to purify the heart and strengthen your relationship with Allah.  So many years of worship passed without having any affect on my heart – I wish I could change that.

Oh, and I would tell him NOT to buy Cisco stock at $70 right before it crashed to $15.  Very bad idea.

You are quite a cheerful, humorous person, which is defies the stereotype that all practicing Muslims are angry, always-serious people. What events in your life have given you a positive, happy outlook on life?

Looking back, I’ve always been a happy, go-lucky guy.  Never took things too serious and never let myself get too down on life.  I truly consider that as one of the greatest blessings from Allah – I see the opposite in my wife, who takes any and every problem as if it’s the last episode of the A-Team (I think I cried when I found out it got cancelled).

What’s with those super-serious people who don’t know how to crack a joke?  I personally tend to stay away from their ilk.

What other stereotypes do you wish to personally defy when people visit your blog or meet you in real life?

Through my blog, I try to present an image of a Muslim who remains loyal to his religious principles while also accepting and even appreciating those with differing views.

I try not to judge others. I fully appreciate everyone’s right to express their views, as abhorrent as they may seem to me.

Wife-beating is one of the main misconceptions people have on Islam. How do you feel about this issue?

Ahhh…nice…finally, an easy one…I think.  If you are asking me about domestic violence and abuse, then that’s a real no-brainer.  Only those with no-brains indulge in such activities.

However, if you’re asking about the controversial verse in the Quran, I must admit that I have a hard time with the issue.  I’ve harmonized this divine verse with my limited understanding by acknowledging that the verse is from the Divine and my understanding is limited.  Real genius, eh?

What else can be said?  All other explanations are either from a patriarchical mindset with misogynistic undercurrents or an apologetic stance that reeks of an inferiority complex.

What would you like to advise younger Muslims practising Islam and actively involved on the internet through Muslim blogs, forums and websites?

While I understand the power of the Internet, nothing beats sitting at the feet of a scholar. Reading a blog post or participating in a listserv will never inspire you as being in the company of a God-fearing, pious Muslim, who talks and walks with the guidance of Allah (swt).

I wish I could spend more time in the company of these rare jewels, for the times that I have done so are permanently imprinted on my soul. 

Let’s not become so disconnected from reality that we turn our backs on these fountains of inspiration.

And finally, how do you feel to be given the title “Empowered Muslim Youth”? (Remember you are a youth at heart!)

Cool.  Do I get a crown?  And can someone please inform my wife that I am officially a Youth, so could she please stop calling me an old fart.

I really like this effort of presenting Muslims trying to make a positive change.  I look forward to your future interviews.  There are SO many more qualified people than myself, who are more Empowered than me, more Muslim than me, and definitely more Youth than me.

Keep up the good work!